Collateral Damage

Erin Gallagher, an Irish 13 year old girl committed suicide at her home on Oct 27, 2012, after cyberbullies repeatedly bullied her about her looks, including her weight. Just a day beforehand she warned her tormentors that she was thinking of suicide. Nobody acted. Erin had expressed that her greatest fear was being bullied again and asked her bullies if they’d think it was funny if she cut herself. The day before her death she responded to a comment on ask.fm, a popular networking site, about being the victim of a physical attack which included having her hair pulled. 

By Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I hereby award you the Purple Heart in the War On Fat for your bravery and strength. 

Trigger warnings for: suicidal ideation, rape, abuse

Let me start this rant off by saying I REFUSE to use the word bully. Its a candy fucking coated word to make a serious issue look “not so bad”

I have battled with suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life, and I know as a direct result of the abuse I have recieved. I HATED myself, and I do mean I hated every part of my existence and every part physical and otherwise about myself. I wanted to die, I WISHED i would just die. I tried praying to die.. but I could never do it myself. I was terrified that my funeral would prove me right about how much of a loser I was, that nobody would bother to show up.. but instead throw a party at school for me finally going away. Incidentally I have had that happen, in second grade at a Catholic school, when the nun’s told the student’s I was moving.. they actually cheered. The Sisters had to chastise the class. I became very obsessed with death over the years… vampires, ghosts, reincarnation.. I studied criminal forensics, serial killers, behavioral psychology (i did say I was smart right? Yes I do mean in 5th grade I was reading books written by Robert Ressler, and abnormal psych books). I didn’t even get my first friend until my 6th grade year, and it took her a whole year to accomplish it. I have had all kinds of psych pills, but nothing EVER made the pain stop, or the self-loathing. I was the worst kind of human, ugly. Because we all know our only worth is in our appearances right?

Okay so when i was younger (all the way till my jr yr of high school) I was THIN.. I mean at 5’10” I weighed 98lbs thin. I can’t count you back, but olive oyle thru the years does it perfect justice. But let me tell you I never got abused because of my weight.. no no.. thats just not fucking good enough. starting in SECOND GRADE, I was abused mentally, emotionally and physically by MALE peers because I WAS FUCKING UGLY. That’s right, I was told I should commit suicide, handed bullets to “help me along”, had my arm slammed between 2 desks, chased every recess (they were going to beat me to a pulp chased) I was a dog, woof woof, have some dog food “hands me a fucking can”, I was a horrible human being, had safety pins shoved into my back and into my arms, a monster, how dare I come to school and breathe the same air as them, didn’t i know i should kill myself because nobody will love an ugly girl, and my favorite threat of all that sent me home with nightmares… “I’m going to come into your house tonight, open up your room fan and drop your kitty cats into it, because someone as hideous as you shouldn’t force themselves on an animal.

To top that off, when I reported my abuse, I WAS PUNISHED FOR TATTLING.. EVERY TIME
Thats just a small sampling of the abuse and torture I received from 1st grade on.. because I had the gall to be born with FRECKLES.

Thats just until my jr year when i finally started my period (sorry guys) and gained weight BOOM over night.. 170 with DDD boobs.

Then it was Sexual harassment and Fat abuse YAY!!
milk jugs, triple d, fat bitch, fat cunt, slut, whore, bitch, die, commit suicide (that one seems to be very popular throughout my whole life!), rocks thrown at my face, chased home, pinched, groped, also I was still fucking ugly.. why hadn’t it dawned on me yet?! Nobody would ever love me, blah blah. The list is fucking long.

Now as a fully grown adult who has gone to a lovely 280lbs, I have never had a relationship that wasn’t entirely predicated on them getting sex, I am a recent rape survivor, I can no longer maintain or even attempt to have a romantic relationship, I get physically nauseated at the thought, I have been told I should feel LUCKY I was raped, because nobody could ever love a fattie, still being occasionally told to kill myself, not to leave the house, and all the other lovely types of abuse you get for being fat.

Through ALL OF THAT.. THIS IS ME Yup thats right, Mama Fucking Morton, standing up there with all those georgeous scantily clad thin girls, grabbing my boobs in front of an audience. I am goddamned talented, I win my auditions every time and I have never been in “ensemble” (not that its beneath me)… even parts that REALLY shouldn’t have gone to me Nunsense A-Men.. supposed to be an all male cast, not sure what that means that i beat out men for the part of the Reverend Mother :-|

But even that aside, I can’t post this anywhere else.. because when I try and post how i feel anywhere else.. its WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ?!? As if i don’t have any fucking reason at all to be a little bit pissy, I’ve never dealt with anything, and my life is fucking TRIVIAL compared to their problems. Hell people get pissy at me if i even come close to wanting to inflict real violence upon other people for their abusive behavior. “turn the other cheek”, “Take the higher road”, FUCK YOU, that shit doesn’t work, and the only thing those neadrathals understand is “Might Makes Right”, and also.. makes you look like a wuss in front of your friends, making me feel doubly good. I WILL FIGHT, I WILL stand up for myself and others, and i will take whatever means and precautions necessary to get my point across, even if i have to jam a taser up your nostril.

But you know thats in person far away from my home, and not on the internet where i’m really afraid to speak my mind, because I do not have the hacker skills like some of these people do, who have shown they can go on crazy stalker parades to try and ruin my life, because SHE IS TEH FATZ.

So pardon me when i see posts about “bullies” if i get a little bat shit insane at people trivializing it by calling it “bullying” and not abuse”, or better yet. “We all get it, just ignore it and it will go away” and the rest of that puke worthy shit.

Pardon me, If i feel just the tiniest bit oppressed by men (not to forget the recent laws about my body, and the media making sure that everyone including men will hate every inch of my body no matter what i do

Pardon me for having emotions at all, because we all know women are worthless crazy bitches

Side note.. in 7th grade I once had a psychologist that i actually told what I had been going thru. He told me i needed to think really hard about what I had done to piss them off so much, because there was no way it wasn’t MY fault for the abuse.

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD I can’t say I accept my body now either, because quite honestly if i was rich.. i would have a gastric bypass.. from the best surgeons.. and a shit ton of plastic surgery. I have never thought I was pretty, and sadly no male has ever confirmed that I was worthy of more than a fuck. I have been and will continue to be single for the rest of my life (tho now by choice). I think I’m cute some days, but the rest I’m just okay with the fact that i will never be pretty, or pretty enough. The best I can do is come to terms with being ugly, and accepting it. And valuing myself for whats inside. Because whats inside is what my chosen family loves about me. They may not be real blood, but I can count myself a bit lucky in the world that i have several best friends, ad we call each other brothers and sisters, and always say “I love you”.

That’s all, that’s it.. this was much more emotional than I anticipated.
Please note I am not sympathy whoring either, I generally don’t share this shit with anyone… But if it gives someone a REAL FUCKING CLUE, then all the better. If it helps to know someone else has been thru the fucking ringer and come out on the other side, well good.

If you’ve attempted or contemplated suicide as a direct result of fat stigma, discrimination, or abuse, I hereby award you the Purple Heart in this war on fat. The idea from this blog came from the amazing efforts of people all over the country in response to the string of gay suicides. It was covered by the media, new anti bullying policies were put in place in many schools across the nation, the It Gets Better campaign was started, and the majority of the country came together to support those in the LGBT community who may be considering suicide. As a member of the LGBT community myself I found these efforts to be heart warming and overwhelming in their compassion and love for fellow human beings in pain. I feel lucky to have been surrounded by people who didn’t care about my sexuality. I may have gotten an eyebrow raised in my direction, but I never faced the horrors that many LGBT people face. 

Unfortunately, as a fat person I have not been so lucky. While I rejoyced at this new swell of LGBT acceptance and support, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that while these gay suicides were catching the media’s attention and more focus was being put on bullying of LGBT people (though it seemed mostly focused on LG people- I think we can do better here), there were still people getting bullied, contemplating, attempting, and completing suicide because of their weight. I couldn’t help but wonder, where is our awareness campaigns? Our media coverage? Our “It Gets Better” videos? 

Unfortunately the sad truth is that, for many fat people, it doesn’t get better. The abuse doesn’t stop just because you grow up and move to a liberal neighborhood. Fat people face constant verbal abuse and bullying, fear of physical attacks, job discrimination including a fat wage gap, they can be denied insurance or even certain medical procedures, have their health and lives put in jeopardy from dangerous weight loss methods (in the name of health no less), and are constantly degraded and dehumanized in the media. The truth is that fat people are more at risk for both eating disorders and suicide as a direct result of weight stigma. 

This blog is for the stories of those people. It is in honor of those who have fallen and taken their own lives as well as those wounded in battle. Welcome, and I hope the stories here will help others realize how dangerous a war on innocent people can be and maybe, just a little, help to end that war.