Collateral Damage

By Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I hereby award you the Purple Heart in the War On Fat for your bravery and strength. 

I was in 6th grade. I’d already spent some time practicing by wrapping things around my throat to see how it felt. I was tired of being picked on, beat up, having things thrown at me, having no friends, and have boys ask me out just to laugh at me. At home I was called lazy and worthless and fat. 

Just to make it clear, I wasn’t always the fat kid. I was very very thin and then suddenly, for no discernible reason, I gained a lot of weight very rapidly (my doctors now tell me it’s because my body chemistry changed due to the onset of bipolar disorder). I was popular, had lots of friends, had “boyfriends” , was favored by teachers, etc. 

After the weight gain I lost it all. For two years I didn’t have a single friend in school until another fat kid moved to the area. 

I was miserable. No kid that young should deal with the depression and self loathing that I dealt with. I hated myself and I hated my body and I wanted it all to end. One day I just walked into our back yard to the big tree with the swinging rope and tried to hang myself. 

I was unsuccessful, but I would try again about a year later and develop some very self destructive habits. The thing is- I didn’t care about my weight until people began pointing it out to me. I was just a happy kid- running around and playing and having fun. But my peers- classmates and adults alike, took it upon themselves to make me feel like my body was wrong and horrible and disgusting. 

This was almost 20 years ago.. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for fat kids now.